Thursday, October 4, 2012

Relationship Advice is Best Received from Relationship Professionals

Les Brown, the great motivator from Detroit, whom I respect offered the following statement:

“Don't make someone a priority who has made you an option. This time, take a pass to the front of the line, and make yourself #1 for a change. Whenever you say "yes" to someone else, you automatically say "no" to yourself. Practice the skills of actively creating what you want, protecting what you value, and acting decisively to change what is not working in your life. Today...say "I do" to your own needs, growth, knowledge, and to your dream. Make it non-negotiable to work on your own behalf and your dream every single day. This doesn't mean that you are selfish, or insensitive to the people around you, or the other responsibilities in your life. Learning to say "No" to others and "Yes" to you...allows you to excel by setting appropriate boundaries on your time, energy, and resources. Give yourself a real gift - the freedom to be who you really are, and do what you were meant to do in the world. You were born for deserve!!”

Question: Would you go to a car dealer for help after being arrested for DWI? The car dealer knows something about cars and driving but can’t help you with that legal problem. Would you go to a dentist to get an appendix operation? A dentist knows something about surgery but he can’t help you with internal medicine. Then, why would you go to a celebrity or someone other than a relationship professional for relationship advice? Sure, everyone knows “something” about relationships but everyone can’t help you fix the problem like a professional would.

Les Brown’s statement is yet another example that proves people should remain in their professional lane; stick to what they do best. Les is one of THE best motivational speakers on the planet. I love him and have learned a lot from him over many years. However, when it comes to giving relationship advice, he, like all other celebrities, should probably stick to what they do best which is motivating or entertaining.

Les’ statement is beautiful but it creates a great conflict for someone who is currently in a marriage relationship. “Don't make someone a priority who has made you an option” pertains to a person who should be preparing to move out of their current relationship as it has become abusive. However, neither that statement nor everything else he said afterward pertains to someone who is married but may not feel that their needs are being met. Getting one’s needs met in marriage most often only requires communication not separation or demarcation.

If his statement is true, "Whenever you say "yes" to someone else, you automatically say "no" to yourself", then a woman should never say yes to a marriage proposal. That would mean saying yes to marrying him is saying no to herself which is, of course, not true.

Everything else he said here is true but only as it relates to those who have made it a habit to be a door mat for others; to those who are allowing themselves to be abused.

Healthy relationships require personal sacrifice, putting the needs of the other person first, changing from being selfish to selfless and changing from being an individual to being a couple. You cannot “couple” with another person while being focused on yourself.

When BOTH people are giving being selfless a 100% effort, not 50/50, the marriage or relationship will be balanced, both will have their needs met, and the marriage will last.

However, when one person begins to focus solely on what they want or need the relationship will become unbalanced and therefore undone.

Once each person begins to focus on what they want it will create two visions. Then they will begin to focus on where they want to go or do as opposed to where their mate wants to go or do. Two visions always produce division or divided vision in a relationship. Having two visions in one relationship always causes two people to go in two different directions or to take a divided course. The word "divorce" is comprised of the words "divided course". This is why division always leads to divorce. A person who is married that begins to focus on putting themselves first is heading toward divorce.

When we truly love a person it is natural to become unselfish. Love compels us to give the person preference; to put the person we love first. Love requires reciprocity; giving and receiving. There is no love where there is no reciprocity. It is unnatural, therefore, to remain in a relationship where there is no love; to remain with person who is selfish, who is mainly thinking of themselves or who rarely puts you first.

In that case it is natural to shift the focus back to self; to recover your pride and dignity. But in order to focus solely on yourself you will have to leave that relationship and be by yourself.

Too many celebrities are offering books on relationships that are entertaining but do nothing to solve the problems that are leading to the breakdown of the family. Those books generate discussion but what invariably happens is an argument between the sexes ensues, anger arises, the opponents retire to their neutral corners and nothing gets resolved.

The problem with this is there are numerous professionals not as well known as celebrities who have the actual knowledge people really need to repair, build and maintain strong long lasting relationships. However, people don’t select those books or resources because the celebrities create a vacuum in the subject area. People buy their books but find in the long run the advice they offered was cute but not what they needed to correct the problem they are experiencing. Then, they are reluctant to select another book in that genre because they didn’t get what was needed from the celebrity book.

Thus, if you want to be entertained I recommend reading what celebrities have to offer on relationships. However, if you want to actually correct a problem, I strongly suggest that you select a book or seek advice from a true relationship professional.

Monday, October 1, 2012

How to Avoid Bad Relationships

Organizations all over the nation take time in October each year to help women become aware of the dangers of domestic violence. They provide information to help women recognize when they have become a victim of domestic violence and the consequences of remaining in an abusive relationship on themselves and their children.

I take the time in October each year to try to share with women, and men who want to protect their daughters, the information they need to “identify” an abuser when they first meet them. The objective is to arm them with the knowledge they need to “avoid” getting involved with a domestic abuser.

Knowledge is power. If a person has the ability to recognize the enemy when they first encounter them, they can protect themselves from the enemy’s attack. If a woman does not get involved in a relationship with an abuser, he cannot abuse her and she won't become a victim.
One of the ways for a person to recognize when they are in an abusive relationship is if an unusual amount of control is present. It is natural for a couple to check-in with each other, to know each person is safe and to protect each other from worry or fear. It is unnatural for one person to try to control another person. Control is the compelling factor in domestic violence. Think of the word "control" (as it relates to domestic abuse) as a type of "possession".

Possession is evil. I can state without hesitation or equivocation that domestic abusers are demonically possessed. Being possessed compels a person to "do their father's will" and attempt to possess or control the person they claim to love. You will know domestic abusers are possessed by an evil entity once you recognize they have TWO personalities; one is very charming, loving and sweet and the other a monster. One is Dr Jekyll and the other Mr. Hyde.

Since a domestic abuser is possessed he or she is easy to identity when you FIRST meet them if you know what to look for. The entity that possesses one abuser is the same in all of them. Therefore, they all do and say the same things.  

Just like the FBI has developed a profile on serial killers, domestic abusers have a profile that makes them easy to identify also.

I love the work organizations do for women who are currently being abused. However, I believe it is better to help you to avoid becoming an abuse victim rather than teaching you how to recover from being abused. Knowing how to identify a domestic abuser when you first encounter them will arm you with the knowledge needed to avoid getting involved with one of them. Trying to escape the controlling clutches of a domestic abuser after you have gotten involved with one can be dangerous to your health and safety. Thus, during Domestic Violence Awareness Month I try to give women the knowledge they need to recognize and reject a domestic abuser when they first meet them.

Is it important to teach victims how to recognize when they are being abused, how to escape the abuser and how to recover? Yes, however, as a man, I would rather protect my mother, sisters, daughters and friends from being abused in the first place.

My audio book "How to Avoid Bad Relationships" shows both men and women how to identify domestic abusers and thus protect themselves as well as their daughters and girlfriends from being taken captive by an abuser.